"with anticipation"

Accolades do not prepare us for mediocrity. Unexpected recognition says "you are better than you think you are." Well, thank you very much, but that's still quite terrifying. What do people expect of me now?

Today I sat on stage in chapel and shook hands with President Litfin because I was inducted into the Wheaton College Scholastic Honor Society. Chapel attendance was pretty thin, but there were still quite a few people who witnessed the event. I'll put this on my resume, too, so from now on this event will shape the way people think of me and what they expect of my life.

A book that I had signed by a professor said 'To Karen, with anticipation of God's leading you.' I like that. That's helpful. Wherever God leads me, that's the way to go, that's what to expect; that's what Dr. Treier expects, at least.

It's interesting how one accolade leads me to desire others. I entered a paper contest and went to the award ceremony today. I didn't win, but part of me really wanted to win, to continue to recognition that I have begun to garner.

But another part of me also wants to sink back into a comfortable anonymity, only a few people knowing how fantastic I really am, but without the pressure of having to be excellent and to be one ahead of everybody else.

And I don't want to forget what Paul says in Galatians - are we trying to win the approval of men, or of God? May I always ultimately seek approval from God.

Saying goodbye

I went to the nursing home last night. I've been going there since I was a sophomore, and though some of the residents are different, there are a couple of them who I have known since that time. Included with this post is a picture of me with Jim and Dee. They're both very sweet, very consistent. They come every week. They're not very talkative - by that I mean it takes them a while to say anything that they're wanting to say. It takes patience to listen and to hear what they have to say.

Dee in particular exhibits a quiet trust. She's never been married and has no kids of her own. Her nephews come to see her every once in a while. She's had a stroke and is almost completely non-ambulatory. She can move her arms a little but doesn't have a lot of strength or mobility in her hands.
She's very encouraging to the other residents, and always loves seeing us.

Once last year I had a rose with me, and I gave it to her. Her eyes were shining the rest of the night. It's difficult to say goodbye when I know I won't be coming back next fall. I may very well never see any of my friends at the nursing home again - at least in this life. Saying goodbye also makes me think about everything that I could have done; the times that I was bored and wished I was back at school, how I didn't always have patience to listen to their words.

I'm really glad that I kept going to the nursing home. The first semester I went, I thought about stopping after spring break. But the other students who went were encouraging to me, just when I saw them randomly at the dining hall or around campus, so I decided to keep going. Knowing how I was encouraged by my fellow students has been a reminder to me to be encouraging to others. Often I think that I will let people decide for themselves what they will do. Maybe we all need to be a bit more encouraging regarding good things in our lives.

Isaiah 43

When we come to Jesus, we are not promised instant change. It is not a Jesus pill. It is a relationship. Regeneration happens over a lifetime, though sometimes the changes are immediate. Trusting God does not mean that it will all work out the way you plan. Trusting God means that you know that all things work together for good, even when we cannot see the good at this time.


Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name - you are mine.
When you pass through the waters I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you.
When you walk through fire you shall not be burned. And the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel,
Your savior.


Walking with God does not mean that we are always in the green pastures - he leads us through valleys, through the waters, through the fire. But he promises his presence and that will be enough for me.

squash it with a panini machine!

I almost cried tonight.
I went to the dining hall with Natasha and Kathryn and made myself some supper. I went to the deli line and pulled out a tortilla wrap. I put lots of tasty and delectable items on it, rolled it up, and went over to the panini machine to squash and toast it. It was beautiful. It wasn't too big, which meant that I could roll it tightly. None of the stuffings came out.
None of the fillings came out because I've learned! Last week I watched the lady in front of me - how she rolled hers. I thought "oh, so that's how you get it from falling it all apart."
I carried it solemnly back to my table. After prayer, I bit into it. So delicious.

This is where the sorrow arose.

I am graduating in two weeks. I have only eight more meals left on my dining card. It took me four years to create the perfect wrap, and now I have to leave.

Let my panini failures be a lesson for my friends who retain the privilege of Anderson Commons! I would be glad to show you the ways of proper wrap making (if you don't already know) but time is running short!

So this frog hops into this bar...

I've been thinking about sex way too much recently. Being a TA for a professor who's teaching Sociology of Sexuality might do that for you.

I'm beginning to think that we do not know how to order our sexuality. Christians, Americans, young, old. How we teach sexuality to the young, how we think (or fail to think) about it in our own lives. We err either by licentiousness or by denigrating the body. In truth, God gave us bodies, with all of its emotions, desires, faults, and beauty. We order our sexuality out of honor for God. Our bodies are good, created by God. We are to bring glory to God with our whole lives, by moderation in our pleasures and chastity in regards to our sexuality (both married and unmarried)

Related to sex and sexuality is the simple fact of embodiment. I have a physical body that has needs, desires, problems, issues. I am never disembodied. I sit and study and my body causes me discomfort. I can forget about it for a time, but it doesn't let me ignore it for long. I have to pee or I'm hungry. Prosaic reality after reading Shakespeare or Paul.

What happens when we fail to use our bodies rightly? Related to sex, yes, but related to everything else that our bodies do? Is it wrong to not take care of our bodies? And then, what does "not taking care of our bodies" mean? We will all decay and our bodies will lose their strength, so to what level should we attempt to maintain health, and when do we gracefully let our bodies age?

Right now I kind of like my body. I'm young, spry, etc. It doesn't cause me too many problems. As I grow older I want to give my body grace and have patience with it. But what if I get arthritis? What if I get cancer? What if my body ages in a way that is painful?

I think that God gave us bodies for a purpose. We will never be disembodied spirits but will exist in resurrected bodies. they are not to be hated, as some soiled cloth that we must live with for a time but will eventually discard. We will be renewed but still embodied. Recently I wondered if we will still have internal organs in our resurrected bodies. It's odd to think of myself having a liver. I've never seen it, but I guess it's pretty important.

Paul says that he beats his body and makes it his slave, and as I struggle between these dichotomies of making the body everything or of nothing, there are many verses (such as this) that I am not sure how to understand rightly.

It's probably right for us to think seriously about embodiment and sexuality, especially as we live in a culture inculcated with sex and obsessed with a young, firm, trim, body. But there are other aspects of life that are also important. So many things to think about.

I should only tell funny stories on this blog. Thanks for reading.

Still knew how to fight.

I got to meet some older adolescent boys at an organization where I interviewed at today. These kids were living in a transitional living program, helping them with the changes between the foster care or correctional system and living on their own.
We were sitting on the porch, talking. I asked them where they were from.

"I'm from the Hundred's. South Side."
"I grew up in Uptown."
"from the Cabrini projects"
"that's not too far from here." (me)
"just a couple of blocks over."

"I'm from a farm." (me)
"I know a kid who grew up on a farm. Still knew how to fight. Asked him about it. Said he and his friend got really drunk, locked themselves in the barn, and then fought their way out."

I guess you can learn how to fight anywhere.

Doppler

One of the purposes of this blog is to attempt creative writing.
Attempt is the operative word. I'm learning.
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A drive down the highway reveals the change. When the spaces between trees are compressed by the speed, a Doppler effect of color results. The grey branches are quite visibly crayoned in by Spring. The green buds raise their eyebrows suggestively, saying, aren't you glad you waited? Aren't we worth it?
It was at this time last year that the snows came in and said in high piercing laughter, "Just kidding!"
Oh, the leaves came, but it was hard to wait. After the first tantalizing smiles and wake-up yawns, to be slammed back into sleep was almost cruel. For it was a sleep trying to remember a dream and the brow was furrowed by its mental labor.