graduation

I graduated today, summa cum laude with a bachelor's of arts in sociology, minor in Bible/Theology. I am no longer an undergrad and my tassle will always hang on left, at least everytime I wear my tartar board hat from now on.

Rehearsal for graduation consists of a motley group of 500 or so 22 year olds, anxious to be done and annoyed with one last "stand here, walk here, say this, know this." Graduation is a bit of a farce, no? We are taught for years to be an individual and then are given matching robes and caps so that assimilation appears complete. It is during rehearsal that our personalities come forth, through our hairstyles and t-shirts, rather than the actual ceremony. And what about the fact that we do not receive our diploma at Commencement? We are given a nice case, but our diploma is mailed to us later, after verification that we have completed our course requirements. My family traveled 840 miles to see me receive an empty case. Why is graduation so important?
For Baccalaureate I feel odd dressing up in the blue graduation gown, but after I walk to the library, where we line up, I would feel odd if I had chosen instead to wear my regular clothes. The gowns separate us. They take us out of our everyday lives and pronounce that something different is taking place, at least for now.
I could not stop myself from smiling after Baccalaureate. It was a beautiful windblown day, rainy. I won't forget it. We were so dignified in our caps and gowns, and the wind said "don't take yourself too seriously."
Coming of Age ceremonies in many cultures have some things in common. First, in order to acknowledge a change, the initiates are separated from the rest of the group, given specific instructions or a challenge, and then reinserted into the wider community. On Sunday, I was someone different. I was given a physical representation of a less ostentatious change - the gown, the diploma case all represent the academic achievement that I have worked on for the past four years. What if I had chosen not to walk for my graduation? I would have still achieved the same, but there is meaning in this ritual, and that is why my family came, why professors dressed up like watermelon jolly ranchers, and why Dr. Litftin shook 560 hands. I think the bizarre thriller-type organ music we processed to made it even more pregnant with meaning and circumstance.

Argument clinic

Kathryn and I seem to be arguing a lot lately. The most current quibble was about jay-walking. Let me set up the situation.

After sharing delicious coffee smoothies at the Stupe, Kathryn and I walk back to our respective houses. At the corner of University and Howard we pause before we go our separate directions. I will go straight on University a ways before skirting through a parking lot and the secret passage. She will turn North on Howard to where her house sits. Diagonally across from our talking spot is the sidewalk that leads up to the Smith-Traber dormitory, where freshmen and sophomores live, as did Kathryn the previous two years.

Many students find it more convenient to walk diagonally across the intersection instead of making a right angle at the crosswalks. Apparently they’ve taken geometry and know that the shortest distance between any two points is a straight line. And they’re busy; it shaves a couple of seconds off the total trek time.

I have a tendency to be quite irritated when I think people are being rude or inconsiderate. For instance, when someone interrupts a conversation to talk only with one person in the group without acknowledging the others – though perhaps they recently actually met the other people in the group – I consider that rude and have a hard time letting go of my annoyance, shrugging it off. I’m working on this. So as Kathryn and I stood there, chatting about our computers and wireless cards, I noticed a Traber-type casually walking straight across the intersection, holding up a car that was waiting to go straight. I mentioned to Kathryn how rude it was for students to do that when cars were waiting, and she disagreed with me. She thought that cars could wait – they have a stop sign, the pedestrian has the right of way, it only takes a few more seconds. She said that I had standards that I expected everyone to conform to (funny, Kathryn – my standards happen to be the law!). What I would appreciate is for students to walk diagonally only when there are no cars waiting. When there are vehicles, either walk completely in the crosswalks or let the car go through and then skirt across the intersection. (So I guess my standards aren’t completely based on what is legal, but more on what is pragmatically most useful to all parties…I shall have to muse more on this).

In a preemptive response, let me tell you, my faithful reader, what Kathryn’s rebuttal was so that she cannot skewer me in the comments section: “But you’ve never lived there!” Apparently, walking across that intersection several times a day gets tedious, and it is easier to go straight from point A to point B than to walk in the crosswalks. Her claim is true: I have never lived in either Smith or Traber dormitories, and I do not have the existential experience of having to cross two streets every time I need to go somewhere on campus. Judge between us, my readers: is that sufficient reason to put ourselves and our desires before those of others? Cars can wait, but so can we, the pedestrians. Being rude isn’t the ultimate sin, and sometimes may even be necessary, but I think that being considerate has a lot of parallels with putting one another’s needs before our own and laying down our rights. It’s a place to start.

I do need to stop being ultra critical. People may not realize their rudeness, and I should never assume that they are being so on purpose. And the title of my post is from a Monty Python skit: check it out.

"with anticipation"

Accolades do not prepare us for mediocrity. Unexpected recognition says "you are better than you think you are." Well, thank you very much, but that's still quite terrifying. What do people expect of me now?

Today I sat on stage in chapel and shook hands with President Litfin because I was inducted into the Wheaton College Scholastic Honor Society. Chapel attendance was pretty thin, but there were still quite a few people who witnessed the event. I'll put this on my resume, too, so from now on this event will shape the way people think of me and what they expect of my life.

A book that I had signed by a professor said 'To Karen, with anticipation of God's leading you.' I like that. That's helpful. Wherever God leads me, that's the way to go, that's what to expect; that's what Dr. Treier expects, at least.

It's interesting how one accolade leads me to desire others. I entered a paper contest and went to the award ceremony today. I didn't win, but part of me really wanted to win, to continue to recognition that I have begun to garner.

But another part of me also wants to sink back into a comfortable anonymity, only a few people knowing how fantastic I really am, but without the pressure of having to be excellent and to be one ahead of everybody else.

And I don't want to forget what Paul says in Galatians - are we trying to win the approval of men, or of God? May I always ultimately seek approval from God.

squash it with a panini machine!

I almost cried tonight.
I went to the dining hall with Natasha and Kathryn and made myself some supper. I went to the deli line and pulled out a tortilla wrap. I put lots of tasty and delectable items on it, rolled it up, and went over to the panini machine to squash and toast it. It was beautiful. It wasn't too big, which meant that I could roll it tightly. None of the stuffings came out.
None of the fillings came out because I've learned! Last week I watched the lady in front of me - how she rolled hers. I thought "oh, so that's how you get it from falling it all apart."
I carried it solemnly back to my table. After prayer, I bit into it. So delicious.

This is where the sorrow arose.

I am graduating in two weeks. I have only eight more meals left on my dining card. It took me four years to create the perfect wrap, and now I have to leave.

Let my panini failures be a lesson for my friends who retain the privilege of Anderson Commons! I would be glad to show you the ways of proper wrap making (if you don't already know) but time is running short!

Etiquette dinner

Natasha and I attended an etiquette dinner tonight, put on by Career services. They fed us a fancy five course meal and told us what we should and should not do at formal dinners. I felt a bit distracted during the meal and wasn't so conversational as I could/should have been.

But Natasha had lots to say afterwards. In her own words (and with gutteral punch):

"booooring! It was so boring! Hierarchy enforcing. People who are polite feel fake!"

But we had cheesecake for dessert! And even though it was way too rich and creamy, a little bit was wonderful.

And etiquette is about making the other people feel welcome.
RSVP means reply if you are or are not attending. Let them know.
I learned so much!

Michael W. Smith

No comment.

14 digits

There are little things about living at Wheaton that I will miss. Little, rather insignificant things except for what they represent - belonging.

For instance, I really enjoy typing my fourteen digit ID number into the computer to access my library account. I have it memorized. Likewise, I like turning the dial on my CPO lock, waiting for the expectant catch when it clicks and I can open it.

I enjoy textures - running my finger along the groove in a brick wall, resting my unfinished carrot on my lips while I chew. Likewise, what I like about the above things are the tangible feelings they give my fingers - I like watching my fingers move quickly across the key pad and like feeling the tug of the lock as it catches. It is easy for me to think about how I'll miss them because I like them at such a basic (though not quite visceral) level.

Both of these activities are privileges of belonging to this community. Once I graduate my library account will be disabled and my college post office box will be given to an incoming freshman. This is the way of life - it keeps moving and changing. It is easier to think on these trappings of belonging rather than on the true substance of the community that I will miss. My future has a bend in the road which I cannot see beyond so I busy myself enjoying opening my CPO box.

paper explosion

My plan this afternoon was to go through old class notes, bank account statements, receipts, letters, etc., and either throw away or neatly categorized. I don't like having lots of things around, but I hate the thought of throwing something away that will be useful in the future (particularly for taxes or grad school). After three and a half hours, I am taking a break and creating this blog, the inspiration of my dear roommate, Natasha. Though it will probably not be as profound or interesting as some, perhaps it will provide insights into my life for friends and family.

This last week has been quite difficult. I've been in the process of considering my future and I worry that I won't use the gifts and opportunities that God has given me to their fullest potential. It's a heavy responsibility to have a life. I've been considering happiness and the difference between happiness and contentment, as well as what is most importance in life - a relationship with and obedience to God. Romans 8:28 says that God works all things for the good of those who love him. This "good" isn't necessarily happiness - it's being transformed into the image of God.
As I've been considering happiness and contentment I've also wondered about the connection between choices and trust. I can pray for wisdom and guidance, but I don't always have solid assurance that I'm making the right one. Trust is an uneasy adventure.